October is one of my favorite months. I get to wear warm clothes, have shiny lip gloss, enjoy easy teen reader books in my Ikea lounge chair and to make it even a smidge better, I now get to indulge on grapefruit! Yep, gobble down on grapefruit! One of my all-time favorite fruits that had been cast aside for the last, way too many years, like 7. No fun at all!
This October things are changing – I would say Big Time. Just before SW and I celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary I was getting discharged from a hospital approximately an hour away. I’d like to say I left after a simple meeting with my brain surgeon, Dr Ciporen, but nope. I left after he performed surgery on the left side of my monster brain full of toxic gunk that needed to be removed.
For countless days before surgery my head hurt. Hurt-hurt actually. I so badly wanted it to just go away, but nope, it got worse. I was upset. Mad at most everything I looked at, myself included. I could not escape the phrase, what did I do? Severe depression kicked in. Why does this garbage happen to me? I thought I was a good person. Ready to turn in my towel, I was DONE! I struggled with uncontrollable brain swelling. I could not focus on where it hurt to tell anyone. Names, memories, friends, walking, etcetera all seemed like foreign topics. I’d watch a movie or television program and not understand what was going on. Nothing made sense. My entire body hurt from unexplainable stress. The reasons why did not seem to matter. I was stuck at home, alone, settling in to die.
Two semi-options stood out. 1- investigate a clinical trial offered by my neuro-oncologist and 2 research Death with Dignity (DWD). Neither option sounded good.
My left-side brain swelling was alarmingly close to things I considered critical. Removing the infected tumor could/might impact my speech, memories, friends and family…me. Would it be worth fracturing these things? To qualify for the DWD medication it would require a prognosis of less than 6-months to live, which I’m not ready to be there yet.
Trembling, I chose to move forward with the clinical trial offered by my neuro-oncologist. So now my October looks like this:
- Monday, 10/1 approximately 30 staples will be yanked out of my left-side hairline (forehead to ear). Lucky me!
- Tuesday, 10/2 my radiation oncologist will be making a mold of my head for radiation.
- Thursday, 10/4: I will have a brain MRI to plan my brain radiation.
- Monday 10/8 – 12 is set aside for multi-days of brain zapping. Zap! Zap! Zap!
- Tuesday, 10/16 appointment with medical oncologist Jeremy Cetnar. I hope I can walk still.
- Wednesday 10/17 +18 MRIs – multiple brain scans to see how treatment is going.
- Friday, 10/19 first infusion of Keytruda is scheduled.
I do hope that recovery allows me to celebrate Halloween and Day of the Dead. Favorite Days of mine!!!
Holy hell that is a lot of shit to go through. I’m so sorry. I hope you are not as in as much pain since the surgery. Xoxox
Well,no wonder you haven’t been writing. Good luck with everything.l continue to pray for you every day.
Hello Ms Melanie! Depression is no-fun for any person. I hope to keep it at bay and remember the people around me are great. It is harder than hard to always remember that. Thanks for the support! xoxo Kimmywink
Wow, what an ordeal. I’m glad you’re well enough to give us that update, despite post-surgical decorations that Halloween trick-and-treaters would truly envy. I’m with you on your choice — as long as there is hope for better days ahead I’d say there’s more living to be done even if some of it is hard.
Craig in PA
Thanks for commenting Craig, I am oddly optimistic to see what comes tomorrow. Staple removal version 2. I hope it does not hurt too badly. xoxo Kimmywink
That sounds both horrific and encouraging at the same time. Wishing you well.
Hi Jeffrey, I do wish I had a better understanding how the immunotherapy infusion will go. Sitting where I am, at my small kitchen table, does it really matter? I need something to work in my brain. Hopefully Keytruda will work in my head. xoxo Kimmywink
KW, thanks for posting your schedule (it will help my brain remember 😊). Your month sounds nothing short of hectic!! I’m sending you hugs and love and wishes for good rest and treatment success. I love you! 💕🦋💕
Endless thanks Ms. Alison! You are a grand woman I am happy to be close friends with. Love you! Kimmywink
Hugs and best wishes and hopes for a tolerable ride. I agree totally with Craig!!! Just know that all of us love you and are in your corner! You have lots of support!!
Hello Paula, Support is always needed. Thanks for being near and shouting out alongside.You are great!
My goodness, girl. You’ve sure been through it – and that’s quite a roster of October activities. I am HERE FOR YOU and SW whenever that’s helpful. Fingers crossed that the Great Pumpkin delivers relief and recovery for you to enjoy the love of the cool people around you and the beauty of this amazing life.
Oh girl, your post is both beautiful and yet frustrating. Frustrating for you and your family to have to go through all of this, yet beautiful in so many ways – written, the way you’re still fighting and finding ways to stay optimistic and holding on to each other. This may suck (big time) right now but there are better days to come. Like you, I soooo believe this! Thanks for keeping us posted amongst all of the shit. Think of you and the hubs so often. Hugs!!
Go Wonder Woman.Prayers are always with You & Spencer. Love Ray&Tina