Waiting to Start


“Ya know what? I’m really looking forward to a new start. A fresh beginning.  I just need something, one thing is all.  It must go right!”.

“I’m an hour late? My appointment was at 8?  Oh crap.”

“Don’t worry about it hun,” says the phlebotomist, ” it’s always slow the week between Christmas and New Years”  She may be right.  But I hate, hate being late. Arriving at 8:45 for my NOT 9:00 but 8:00 appointment was totally unacceptable.

Thankfully I got worked into the schedule.

I alone seemed to be the only one who was unhappy about my tardiness.  I did apologize to every person I encountered on the way to the exam room.  SW and I were here to see my medical oncologist and Andi, my awesome nurse, eager to hear the latest brain MRI and chest CT results. Was brain surgery officially off the the table for now?  Has the most recent flare of brain swelling been sufficiently managed by the steroid?

5-seconds into the appointment Dr C managed to cover: hand shakes, Merry Christmases, your scans look good, no brain surgery for now, and predictions on making it until midnight on New Years Eve.  The important stuff.

It happened!  The good news.  The one thing I needed to turn it all around. The most perfect I am so totally pleased smile formed on my face.  A quick 45-degree turn to my right, enough to make eye contact with SW and to see we were wearing matching smiles.  Attention back to the speaking doctor.

“I’m going to a New Year’s Party now!”

We were safely home by 1:00am on the 1st.  A few hours later I barely made it to the bathroom.  My legs would hardly work.  By 4:00am my legs were throbbing, the bulk of the pain focused around my knees.  Tears streaming down my cheeks, I could barely eek out “Spencer, will you help me?”

The joint pain I had been experiencing on my steroid was haunting me at many times the intensity. Packages of frozen veggies were placed on the underside of both legs.  It was alarming when I could not lift them on my own.  SW had to lift and lower back down each leg.  Once sufficiently numb by a combination of ice and pain killers I drifted back to sleep.

I’m still waiting to begin my “new beginning”.  It seems almost silly now. I had some wonderful – new beginning – worthy news and did not celebrate it.  I instead waited for New Years Day and had a horrible down turn the early hours of the 1st that I am still waiting to be resolved. Could I be stuck in a dark comedy? The Twilight Zone?  Twin Peaks?




About kimmywink

I'm Kim. I've got advanced lung cancer. It sucks.
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14 Responses to Waiting to Start

  1. You are always in my thoughts and prayers my fellow warrior.

  2. Holly says:

    Can I celebrate you being here writing this post, letting us all in on the good, bad and ugly of it all? Not the celebration you wanted, or deserved, but a damn hard earned one nonetheless. Sending you love for an easier tomorrow.

  3. Alison says:

    Oh friend, I am so sorry that you’re going through such excruciating pain with your joints. I am glad Tylenol has been helping and really hope that the pain eases up. F*ck cancer!

  4. Kimberly Lester says:

    ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤ Sending you lots of love, sweet friend. ❤ ❤ ❤ ❤

  5. Lizzy says:

    Happy 2016, Kim. The only things that really seemed to help me with the leg pain (especially in knees and ankles) on the ‘roids was reiki (administered long-distance from a friend living across the state. She offered, and I accepted, thinking, yeah, right. The next day she called to ask whether the pain had abated (it had) and around what time (9:30, which was when she had done it. “It was worse on your right side,” she said. I know it’s a 50/50 chance, but she nailed it). Also, I found some all-natural ben-gay (not tiger balm) cream that smelled like lavender and wintergreen and rubbed it into my knees and ankles. Hope you can get a break from that pain soon.

  6. Tammy says:

    It is so not right to be on such a roller coaster. Admittedly, it is giving you a hell of a ride, but that is only good when you know you are going to step off. (*) Steroids should have you jumping over buildings, not in unbearable pain. Sending you good mojo that this side effect is mitigated quickly.

    *Just wondering if there was a Twilight Zone where a rider was never allowed to get off the roller coaster. Weird thought that may not be especially worthy of sharing…….but did so anyway. : )

  7. kimmywink says:

    Thanks for making me laugh Ms Tammy! Happy New Year! xo

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