Sad, sad and more sad

A good friend of mine died.  She died of Ovarian Cancer.  I’ve added Ovarian Cancer to my “I hope you get cancer and die” list.

She was the first woman I really clicked with in cancer land.  Funny how we met.  We were both clients at Portland’s Immune Enhancement Project. She was tracking me.  She would schedule her appointments around mine for the chance that we would connect in the waiting room.  Apparently she was excited to see another “young one”.  She was talking to SW when I finished up with acupuncture.  While trying to drink the cold water in the miniature dixie cup she asked me what stage my lung cancer was.  I barely eked out, “it’s stage 4”.  Tears streaming down my cheeks; this was the first time I spoke it to someone.

The three of us left the small waiting room after being shushed several times by the practitioners. We grabbed a table and some beverages outside at a nearby pizza shop.  Marcy talked and I listened in awe.  Forget putting her on a pedestal, I placed her on top of Mt. Everest.  She was the complete opposite of the doom and gloom depression rift I was in.   She was determined to live.  Thankfully her determination was contagious.  She played a major part in helping me learn how to navigate cancer land.

For over 3-years, not many days went by without the two of us communicating.  In her final weeks that communication became nonexistent.  It was sad but I accepted it.  In my head I knew that it would be fine if we did not speak or hold hands one last time.  To my surprise, and nearly her entire home care team, she phoned me hours before her life ended.  As directed by her, I showed up at her bedside to hold her hand.  A 30-minute visit to say I love you and goodbye to her body was satisfying.  An email stating that she died later that night did not surprise me.

I miss my friend.

Read more about Marcy here.

About kimmywink

I'm Kim. I've got advanced lung cancer. It sucks.
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18 Responses to Sad, sad and more sad

  1. ❤ No words to say, but sending hugs ❤

  2. Tracy Lucas says:

    Kim,

    So, so sorry to hear about Marcy. My heart hurts for you and her family and friends. I thought it might be her when you mentioned the hard funeral.

    I hope your week has been going ok. Thinking about you and sending good thoughts to you.

    Just realized we are heading to NY next Friday. Would you and Spencer like to get some dinner on Sat. evening?

    Let me know!

    Xoxo, T

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

  3. Jamie says:

    I’m so very sorry, Kim. My heart and prayers are with you and Marcy’s loved ones.

  4. Holly Pruett says:

    Oh my, Kim, I’m so sad too. It was so beautiful to see you called to Marcy’s side on that last day. She was purposeful to the very end. Thank you for this perfect portrait of Marcy the community organizer – cancer never took that away from her. I’ve shared your words with her family and care team. I know they’ll be as moved as I am. Love to you in our time of mourning,
    H

  5. Alison says:

    Hey Kim, I am so very sorry. I’m sending you a cyber hug and hope to be able to share a real one soon. Much love, Ms. K. xoxoxo

  6. Rosalyn Basin says:

    Hi Kim, Sorry I just hit the send button too soon by mistake & sent a reply with no reply. I am Roz Basin, a fellow aquarian, already grieving spouse of Bev Lipsitz, now mourning Marcy’s loss as well. My sympathies to you for your loss of your friend. May her memory be for a blessing. I have been following your blog in honor of Bev, and cheering you on from afar as you figure out your best quality life. I am so glad you got to connect with Marcy heart-to-heart at the end. I was honored to be able to provide intermittent support to her, Mike, & Sawyer with dog-sitting, appointment transportation, & towards the end, messages & emails. I imagine you have good family & friend support. Please feel free to contact me in case there’s some additional help I might be able to provide. My thoughts, blessings, meditations, & prayers are with you as you journey on. In lovingkindness, Roz Basin >

  7. I am sorry about the loss of your friend, but glad that you had the gift of knowing her. An oncology nurse told me once that only the best people get cancer. Obviously that is not strictly true, but from the people I’ve met or hear about it does seem there may be more truth to it than not.

  8. Tammy says:

    I am so sorry to hear of Marcy. What an amazing spirit. I thought your description of goodbye to her body quite eloquent as a spirit that large, that giving, continues to live through those whose life she touched. Take care in your process of mending and loss.

  9. Lizzy says:

    It is so hard, Kim. Being at Marcy’s side and sharing some of her waning moments is a priceless gift. You will carry them with you along with the happy memories and appreciate it all. May you find peace in coming days and always.

  10. what to say…sucks, totally. My sympathies to you. My best friend lost her best friend (her mom) few weeks ago, lung. Another friend lost a brother-in-law, lung, last week. My Uncle was just diagnosed last week. Now this, no wonder I’m so depressed. Prayers Kimmy. xox

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