Bag it up and Toss it out!

FullSizeRender-3Clusters of days have turned into weeks; I am still uneasy about so much.  I am a doubting woman as of late.  I ask myself why and I come up with no answer.

I prepared a well thought out speech and delivered it at Genentech earlier this month. I walked away unsure how it was received. Why?  How could I not tell if people liked it or not?  I’ve been told by many it was a job well done.  Why do I doubt myself? Why do I doubt the feedback?

I feel like I need constant reassurance.  What I am doing is right, right?  Yelling at the lazy contractor on the phone was not out of line, right?  Not trusting people that should not be trusted is the right way to go, right?  I know what the answers are.  Why don’t I trust myself?  Why am I being the version of myself who allows someone else to pick the Cranium answer when I’m fairly confident that they are wrong?  Ugh!  Just like then, I am annoyed at myself.  How do I stop this cycle?

I know I’m supposed to look at this as a way to grow and have a better understanding about myself. But I’d really rather find a way to crumble it all up and toss it in the recycle bin.  Move on and be my normal happy self!

About kimmywink

I'm Kim. I've got advanced lung cancer. It sucks.
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6 Responses to Bag it up and Toss it out!

  1. I’ve been trying to grow and be a better person for 3 years and yet, I still want to fight with everyone, I’m still always right, and a bit unforgiving. Remission is great but always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I dont know if this has anything to do with your post Kimmy, but I dont think I’ll ever be normal again. “I’m so tired, I wish I was the moon” Neko Case

  2. I want to say something wise but I have no idea what that would be. Life is a challenge no matter what and our lives, on the cliff’s edge, with the terrain falling off making our limited ledge smaller yet constantly, it’s hard. I have been doing this last 5 months w.a lot of steroids added in – oh my – not good!
    Marcy Westerling

  3. April M.Lawrentz says:

    Thinking of you … remembering the wonder of your attitude at work and wishing you the best. I retired last year and I saw the movie ” how to die in Oregon”. I Canceled my plans to move out of state. I want to stay where I have the right to choose.

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