Moving Through

I’m the kind of girl who likes to know where I stand at all times.  I’m often most uncomfortable when I don’t know what I think or feel on a particular topic or subject. Lately, I’ve been stuck in who-knows land.

My mind feels scattered.  Sorting thoughts.  Resorting thoughts.  Distracting myself with cooking, baking, yard work, and the “typical Kim go-to” cleaning and organizing.

What has me in a tizzy is the loss of my sweet, sweet friend Jessica.  Clearly, she’s had an impact on many of us with lung cancer from the number of bloggers that have already written about her.

Jessica to me was a dear friend.  For knowing each other for just over a year our connection was unmatched; saying we clicked would be an understatement.  She and I had a number of things in common; our love for zippy cars, snuggling our pets, Woot t-shirts, TV shopping, being informed about our disease, dreading dress shopping, control freaks, etc… We met online and thanks to Lungevity we were able to meet in person on two separate occasions.  Living on opposite sides of the US, we primarily communicated over email and text messages.  For a majority of our relationship we communicated daily.

Processing Jessica’s passing, on March 28th, has been particularly hard on me for many reasons.  She is the first person with cancer I’ve really let in to my heart since Kurt passed away, in August of 2012.  I suppose I was trying to protect myself.  Watching someone, like Jessica, pass is like looking in a mirror at my own death.  Sure, it’s not happening at the same moment in time but it will one day and chances are good it will look pretty similar.  (Unless the damn bus that keeps running over people comes my way.)

I hope soon I can move through this great loss of mine.

I wish the family and friends of Jessica Rice and Kurt Shull courage to continue living through their loss as well.

Cancer sucks.


About kimmywink

I'm Kim. I've got advanced lung cancer. It sucks.
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7 Responses to Moving Through

  1. g says:

    this is a great loss and really sad this happened 😦

  2. Pam Witt says:

    I don’t want to comment lightly on this…for I may face this with my little boy one day. We are not yet “out of the clear” so to speak. But all that came to my mind was Isaiah 55: 8, 9 which tells us that “God’s ways are not our ways.” And also Psalm 18: 30, “As for God, his way is perfect; the word of the LORD is tried: he is a buckler (or protector) to all them that trust in him.” It is difficult to understand these hard things in life, but we have hope in a great God. I pray that you would find comfort in God and that He would bring you peace in the midst of these difficult times. I send you a viral (HUG) and a prayer of comfort.

  3. tammy and eileen says:

    Kim, I am so saddened by the loss of your friend Jessica. It must be such a comfort to have someone so close who knows what you are going through, feeling, looking forward to, and experiencing. The value of the person defies description. You have to deal with this reality more than you should and more than the “rest of us”. I can only say I am very sorry for this loss.

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