I’m the kind of girl who likes to know where I stand at all times.  I’m often most uncomfortable when I don’t know what I think or feel on a particular topic or subject. Lately, I’ve been stuck in who-knows land.

My mind feels scattered.  Sorting thoughts.  Resorting thoughts.  Distracting myself with cooking, baking, yard work, and the “typical Kim go-to” cleaning and organizing.

What has me in a tizzy is the loss of my sweet, sweet friend Jessica.  Clearly, she’s had an impact on many of us with lung cancer from the number of bloggers that have already written about her.

Jessica to me was a dear friend.  For knowing each other for just over a year our connection was unmatched; saying we clicked would be an understatement.  She and I had a number of things in common; our love for zippy cars, snuggling our pets, Woot t-shirts, TV shopping, being informed about our disease, dreading dress shopping, control freaks, etc… We met online and thanks to Lungevity we were able to meet in person on two separate occasions.  Living on opposite sides of the US, we primarily communicated over email and text messages.  For a majority of our relationship we communicated daily.

Processing Jessica’s passing, on March 28th, has been particularly hard on me for many reasons.  She is the first person with cancer I’ve really let in to my heart since Kurt passed away, in August of 2012.  I suppose I was trying to protect myself.  Watching someone, like Jessica, pass is like looking in a mirror at my own death.  Sure, it’s not happening at the same moment in time but it will one day and chances are good it will look pretty similar.  (Unless the damn bus that keeps running over people comes my way.)

I hope soon I can move through this great loss of mine.

I wish the family and friends of Jessica Rice and Kurt Shull courage to continue living through their loss as well.

Cancer sucks.