Words from my college friend Jules…
“I’m not sure Kim would consider me one of her 20 closest friends. There was a time though, when I was easily in the top 3.
I met Kim when we were 18, we were on the same volleyball team. She was bright, confident, intelligent, brave, fun, (man, was she was fun) and wise beyond her years. I wanted so badly for us to be friends, lucky for me, she felt the same way. So we were, for years. A lot of people have influenced me but at that time, when we were just kids on the verge of becoming adults, no one influenced me more. She forced me out of my comfort zone, she made me brave, she made me confident, she made me better. She taught me that being who I was was awesome and that if I wanted other people to believe how awesome I was, I had to believe it too. We went through so much together over the years, school, jobs, boyfriends, moves. Going through something tough was always a little easier because Kim was there.
A few years ago we grew apart, about a year ago I realized that I missed Kim and Spencer terribly and wanted them to be a part of my life. I wasn’t sure how to reach her, so I found an email and hoped it was one she still used and that she wanted to be a part of my life too. Within a few hours she emailed me back. I was thrilled and devastated all at once. Kim, not one to hold back, laid it on me. She had advanced lung cancer. I threw my phone across the room. I cried. I called my parents, my mom cried.
We decided to meet for lunch. Admittedly, I was nervous. I wasn’t sure how to be or what to say, I’m still not sure how to be or what to say a year later… I always regretted growing apart but my regret upon finding out about the cancer became immeasurable.
Mine is a cautionary tale, you always believe that there is time, until there is not. I can’t get the years we lost back, all I can do is be here now, even though at times, I’m not sure how best to do that either. What I do know, is that Kim doesn’t do anything she doesn’t want to do, including being my friend. So I’ll be here, in whatever capacity she needs me, as long as she needs me. I can only hope that it’s enough.
I love you Kimmy. I’m so sorry for the time we lost and that I wasn’t there and that I still haven’t been, not like I could be. I know what you meant to me and what you still mean to me but I struggle sometimes with how to be a part of it all. I know Spencer is/was disappointed in me as well but I love him too and I do want to be a part of your lives. I want to support you both anyway that I can but I have such guilt that I sometimes don’t reach out like I should out of my own shame. I would like very much to spend more time with you. I know we’ve seen each other a handful of times but if you’ll have me, I’d like to make it more than a handful this year.