I don’t know what it was about yesterday but I woke up mad. I was angry at cancer. Furious, actually.
I was not feeling worse than any other day. My anger was not directed to what cancer has done to me. I was mad at what it’s done to my cancer posse, friends I have made in person and online.
It was as if I had forgotten that those of us with Stage 4 lung cancer are incurable. They, or we, seem so fine and can be for months and months. Then, what I guess is like getting hit in the face with a brick, you learn of resistance to treatment and new growth. It seems like a shock. Similar to the initial diagnosis, but only at first. Then you remember. Yes, this is incurable. The goal is to turn this into a chronic problem for years not months.
I pried my body out of bed. Took a hot shower and layered up when I got out. I was determined, today I would ride my bike to my appointments. It was pretty chilly (but no where near the temps in Wisconsin or NYC!). Although, not much can hold back a stubborn person who feels like they are on death row.
It felt good to ride. I did it for my friends who can’t. I did it for myself. Mostly, though, I did it to say, “Screw you cancer.”