At times I get incredibly sad about my situation- easy to do when you have terminal lung cancer. I’m sad that the probability is high that this disease is going to kill me. I’m equally as sad that the likelihood of me dying sooner (within the next 4-years) rather than later is great.
During times of sadness I often think about my husband, SW. I get incredibly sad at what I’ve done to him. I feel as if I am not holding up my end of our contract to die of old age, together.
If he is near me, during this episode, I apologize profusely. “I am sorry, I am so very sorry,” I say. I truly feel sorry for this situation we are both in. I think, had I known what was to come of my future, I should have married someone I did not like. I could have tortured them instead.
I know I’ve not done anything. I also know that SW does not blame me that I have cancer- to him I will never be a failure. Why is it that I have this need to say, I’m sorry? I’m sure I could read about this response of mine in a psychology book. It can’t be too far from what others experience. Or, is it?