Where do I fit in?

It’s no lie when I say I’ve always felt like I don’t really fit in with the rest of the world.  My mother always referred to me as the kid who has 100 friends.  She was and is correct.  Among this group I have always felt like the cheese who stands alone.  Living with my cancer, currently treated with Crizotinib, contributes to this isolated feeling.

I am so very thankful for Crizotinib as it allows me to live more closely to the life I had before cancer.  However, it is a tricky space to be.  My cancer buddies are constantly being beaten up by their chemo or radiation.  My  non-cancer friends are striving for promotions at work or planning vacations to distant places.  I am doing neither; yet I get caught up thinking of both.  I am aware that my cancer friends’ fates will probably be my own and I also dream of travel to distant places or for a fabulous backyard remodel.

I am an able disabled person.  I am a non-sick sick person.  Striving to be grateful for each and every day.

About kimmywink

I'm Kim. I've got advanced lung cancer. It sucks.
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9 Responses to Where do I fit in?

  1. Marcy Westerling says:

    you nailed another one. Marcy Westerling marcy@rop.org

    Tell your friends and family not to get sick any time soon because effective drugs, often researched with tax dollars, are no longer available because of private capacity meltdown. Government needs to address this crisis fast. People are dying. If you agree, sign this petition now http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/ovariandrugshortage/

  2. Diane Fink says:

    Keep striving to be grateful. Kim, you are helping people with or without cancer have STRENGTH ! Reading your posts tells me who Kim – the woman, wife, daughter, friend – is, a beautiful, living human being, having a way of telling us your thoughts, having a sense of humor, bravery, hopes, desires, and DREAMS ! We all get caught up in our “battles”. Why cancer happens to go many people, I don’t understand, I’ve learned I cannot understand all things, but being grateful, thankful, and prayerful for life is a great thing ! I’m praying for you.

    • kimmywink says:

      I struggle with the dreaming part. I’m trying to tell myself to dream 3-months out. Although, since when do dreams have timelines? See…I’m still struggling with this.

  3. Cathy Graves says:

    Kim, you are a beautiful, living human being as Diane wrote…and you totally kick a$$. You inspire me to be as real, vulnerable and passionate in each day I’m lucky to wake up to. Thank you.

  4. Valerie Joachim says:

    Thanks for this post…..I totally agree with you and am glad you have such thoughts. I myself have always had that type of feeling too—being alone (or different) while at the same time amongst many friends / family or part of a group. I wonder if it’s more common than we think? Having the lense of cancer & then the Criznotinib applied would definitely amplify that feeling more. Hang in there.

  5. Pingback: Cancer as cargo: sharing the load | life and breath: outliving lung cancer

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